“The worst pain in the world goes beyond the physical. Even further beyond any other emotional pain one can feel. It is the betrayal of a friend.” — Heather Brewer
It happened and then it was over, in the matter of seconds. Instantly, I thought I had imagined it. Dee gave me a gift and I opened a beautiful dress, size 0-3 months… Baby Emily could wear it right away. She left after a while and I confronted Hubby about the experience of having them arrive together and share ‘a moment’ with the baby. “What is going on?” I begged him to answer the question. He continued to negate any accusation that I threw out, telling me “nothing was happening” at every turn. Essentially, everything I presented was dismissed as nonsense as soon as it was spoken. I wasn’t convinced. Something was happening and I could feel it. My mind and body were alert… they perceived danger as if there was a railroad crossing stuck in the up position; you knew it was trying to warn you but nothing was stopping you from moving ahead.
We took Em home and rolled along as we have always done. My mom came to help in any way that we could think of – she was a baby whisperer. Hubby was a great help as I adjusted to a different sleep schedule but it was summer so everything was more relaxed than during a typical school year. I thanked God for Francis on a daily basis. His help and support was irreplaceable. I wasn’t relenting on the feelings that existed so strongly, so unsettling – about Dee and Hubby’s connection and its breach of boundaries. We argued about it non-stop and I was insistent… we would have to stop being friends. For some reason, I needed Hubby to buy into the plan of not entertaining a friendship with Dee and Tom. My impression was that he was rather hesitant to agree. It fueled my anger.
Mom knew something was off but since I wasn’t offering an explanation, she left for ‘the farm’ (my grandparent’s home) after a week. I turned into someone I didn’t know. For a couple of weeks, I was tenacious with my demands that he agree to stop any and all contact with Dee. I was tired, hormonal, and suspicious – extremely toxic combinations by any measure. The icing on the cake for me was when I took Ems to the doctor for typical post-birth weigh in. She had an eye infection that the doctor said was common with certain types of sexually transmitted diseases. She asked me if there was a possibility for that to be the case and I honestly couldn’t answer… I was in an almost state of nausea these days.
I went home and confronted – once again – my husband, with the information from the pediatrician and he imploded. He was defensive and angry. I made a decision in that moment that our relationship with the Gregg family was over. With or without STD’s – (a panel had been completed on both me and baby Em) – there were too many questions surrounding the camaraderie that existed between those two people.
The panels were negative and I was accused of making up information in order to trap a confession; I referred him to the doctor for validation and verification. I went to Dee’s home. I called her from the driveway and asked her to meet me outside. She came out and made some reference to how great I looked (after giving birth only two weeks prior, I was wearing my own clothing – a response to the stress I was experiencing). I told her that I did not like what was happening at home, that my husband seemed obsessed with her and there were too many issues coming between us for our families to be friends any longer.
Her face changed. She appeared apologetic and scared. Her eyes became emotional and wet, her breathing changed. It was interesting to watch – in a matter of nano seconds, she became contrite and sheepish. There was something unexplainable in her demeanor that unleashed a knowingness in me… “you’ve been sleeping with him”… it was almost a whisper from inside of me and I watched in horror as she shook her head in an affirmative nod. She was confessing – there in her driveway under a late July sun – to sleeping with my husband. My good friend … the mom of my child’s friend… the wife of Tom… my friend… no, not a friend… a bitch.
I said nothing. Mentally, I was screaming “I knew it… I’m not crazy… I knew it”. I walked back to my van in slow motion without a sound in the universe interrupting my thoughts. There was nothing. There was a void of pain, of anything really. I was once again on auto-pilot yet my heart was racing and breathing was difficult. My entire body was simply trying to fuel my nervous system into automatic action – keeping my heart beating rhythmically and my lungs moving in unison to inhale and exhale appropriately. I started the automobile and backed out of the driveway while I picked up my cell phone and called my mother. “I was right, they were fucking… all along, they were fucking”, I couldn’t say anything else. She said she’d be there in a few hours and hung up the phone.
I called Hubby on his cell. “I want you out of my life… you have 24 hours”, and I hung up.
There is no way to explain the feeling one has when you discover your beloved partner has been lying and deceiving you for any period of time. It really does not matter if it was once or two hundred times – the fact that you didn’t listen to your hunches – to the fiber optic strands that ran through your life in neon colors to warn you – it sends you into a flat spin. It stops time. In the moment you realize that you were a fool, the world takes on a different weight and it all sits on your shoulders. Couple that intense emotion with the idea that your ‘friend’ – someone you confided in and trusted to be on your side regardless – also violated the faith allowed yourself to develop. Faith that she would ‘have your back’.
It seemed as though I had always doubted him, it wasn’t a surprise that he would delude me although in all honestly, I had just begun to trust that this ‘spontaneous decision’ I had made was the right one… that it would work out. I had allowed myself to believe in love again. He had given me all the clues but I ignored them and now I was going to end my marriage, or rather, he had ended it by being unfaithful, by lying in my face, by cheating on me.
I got home and picked up my baby. I sat with her and sang as a river of tears began their flow across my face.
*some names have been changed in the interest of privacy