“…hidden in your deepest feelings is your highest truth” – Neale Donald Walsch
The year before and the year after Y2K were full of activity. The kids were growing and active, our business grew at lightning speed, we built a new house, moved, and consequently there was always a ‘project’. Hubby and I worked well together when a project was in the works. We both turned 40 – he got a big party and I got a new house.
We became pretty fanatical about Y2K. Yes, we were the ones who collected canned goods and buckets of flour. It was all very organized, dated, and sorted of course. Hubby made sure we had barrels of gasoline and tools that didn’t require electricity. We found a generator and I learned how to can food. It was all consuming for about eighteen months prior as we planned and prepared. Our business was even prepped for disaster. We were the ‘just in case’ people – the ones who felt it was better to be safe than sorry. I had done a tremendous amount of research on the internet back when you could believe what you read there – cough, cough. There was intelligent information from reliable sources that imparted a ‘possibility’ of global disaster so we …. were prepared.
On New Year’s Eve, I recall being a little nervous but overall excited for the memorable event and we allowed the girls to stay up ‘til midnight. We took wooden spoons, pots, and pans outside to ‘howl it up’ as a way to remember a century change. When the lights stayed on and our banks opened it was a true celebration. We were relieved and very well stocked. We didn’t have to buy green beans for three years~!
Business was good. A couple of years back we had made some professional decisions that moved us toward success rather quickly. It was an exciting time and while I wasn’t as worried about how much hamburger to buy each week, our money was predominately going back into the business as fast as we could make it. The one exception was our new house. The old one needed new windows and a new roof. It needed new flooring and a kitchen redo. A new house made much more sense. We were the third house in a new development where we could modify the lot and building as long as we had the money to support the changes. We nickel and dimed our builder by the week with a total of twenty-two change orders. I know by the end he had to be happy we finally finished the build and couldn’t bug him more.
It was more than either of us had ever dreamed of owning. It had room – plus – for all of us and anyone else who wanted to stay. We took all of the ‘cash’ we had saved as part of our ‘disaster plan’ and finished the basement right away, giving us an additional 1500 square feet of living space. It was a true ‘family’ house. I remember standing outside on the deck one fall evening looking through the windows to the inside where my family sat on a couch facing a fireplace that was floor to ceiling stone – two stories high. I watched in fascination because it was surreal. It felt as if it was someone else’s house – beautiful, warm, and full of family. There was a moment when I felt completely disconnected from it as if I was watching from another plane, from some outside realm. And then I was back – that was my family, my home, people I loved and I was deeply grateful.
In our MOMS Club book group, we read all three books in the Conversations with God series and I found it fascinating. It was another ‘ah ha’ moment on so many levels for me. Yes, it was written by some guy who claimed God was talking to him, but that was Moses many years ago too! I don’t know what it true or make believe but I know what resonated deeply with my soul. In Book One, God says “all human emotions are motivated at their deepest level by one of two emotions – fear or love.” I knew that to be true for me then and today – as a psychology professional – I see it demonstrated over and over again. Looking back, I believe that all my behaviors were motivated by either fear or love. Fear of being left, feeling pain, being lonely, being unlovable… feelings of love for my children, my husband, my family. I can’t think of anything I did that didn’t fall into one of those categories and sadly, fear was more prevalent than love.
In this book, God says “Emotion is the power which attracts. That which you fear strongly, you will experience.” Again – that rang true for me. I had to look closely at all the things that I was feeling and then look again closely at my experiences – did they match? Which came first? The chicken (fear) or the egg (experience)? What if my fears WERE creating my experiences? What if God was allowing these things to happen so that I could process my fears? So that I could come to NOT fear them? He goes on to say “there is NO coincidence in the universe” – gosh – that matches what The Celestine Prophecy says…. What if these ARE God’s messages? What if I am supposed to be learning from EVERY. THING.
I was thrust into a state of exploratory discovery. I journaled. I spoke with friends. I continued to read. I would go to the bookstore and stand in the self-help, spirituality, or New Age sections and allow the book to ‘call me’. I would pick it up – open it randomly – and read. If it ‘spoke’ to me – if something on that page resonated deeply, then I would buy the book and highlight it… page by page.
I recall hearing Deepak Chopra speaking to women on morning television show The View answering the question “How do you envision God”? His response: “To envision God is to limit God and therefore I do not”. That one statement provided an epiphany for me. I recalled years of sitting in church, looking through bibles and hymnals, seeing religious paintings of God – the man. I was – in that moment – allowing my mind to create a different vision – or rather, erase all the prior visions that I had of the entity I called God. I imagined God as everything – everything I couldn’t see – everything I did see – all the energy that existed in the universe. It opened the door for me to consider religion in a way that made much more sense in my mind. In one statement, God took on a whole new meaning for me and again, I wanted to experience more.
I believed that we had turned a corner with the introduction of the twenty-first century. We were more connected than ever before, enjoying our new home, our family, our success. Life was good – for a while.